Look Inside for everything

I wrote this in December 2018, thinking it captured a moment in time.
An escape from the madness..I was wrong. It captured a pattern I never broke.

Chapter 1
A life without..

Though I’m disconnected, I’ve never felt more free. What consumed all of my time & energy, controlled my “happiness” , & was the guiding light of my life, suddenly became the cause of the emptiness that I feel inside.. or at least a great contributor to it. The internet is an extraordinary thing. Its ability to connect an entire universe, at the click of a few buttons is mesmerizing to say the least.. But there’s a problem.. Most of the time when things are easily accessible, there tends to be a negative domino effect that follows.

In today’s world, we are falsely verified by the amount of ostentatious engagement that we’re able to collect on our social media platforms. Our attraction is “validated” by an abundance of petty likes, over flattering comments, & shares by strangers who we’ll likely never meet. You see, these platforms are almost designed to make people fail. We’re forced to create content that influences/cues engagement. We’re then rewarded by an algorithm if the post performs well, but the posts only perform well if it’s content that represents something that is 95% of the time over exaggerated, enhanced, or entirely portraying a false reality that is created to abide by these preset industry standards. While it’s easier to connect than it ever has been, I’ve never felt so disconnected in my entire life.

A couple of years ago, I decided to make a promise to myself that I will never use the power of negativity, to benefit my own career. People may read that and think “power of negativity? What does that even mean?..” Well, it’s exactly as it sounds. In this industry, negativity is your ticket into the spotlight. It’s the energy that is consumed, digested, and HEAVILY prominent in our media. Above I mentioned an algorithm, that is designed to make people fail… This is merely regarding people that are passionate about building a career around positivity, love, hopefulness… However in a world where engagement is rewarded by these algorithms, nothing is more fuelling than negativity. Whether it’s receiving positive/negative engagement, this type of content is the focal point of the media & creators are magnetized to it, because they know it’s easier to benefit from content based around it. This system is very difficult, because a lot of the time creators are jeopardizing their own happiness, mental clarity & mental health, for the sake of building a career that has the capability of generating a liveable income.

Chapter 2
Taking A Step Back..

Asking yourself vital questions that pertain to your life, is often a difficult task to do. We’re either too caught up in our own lives to understand them, or don’t have a clear mind to accurately answer them. Why am I doing this? What is the purpose of investing all this time into this? What are my short/long-term goals..? Are the rewards really worth it? Is risking your own mental health, worth becoming successful?… Taking a step back, and breaking down your life is critical. Often by design, our schedules are so jam packed, that we don’t allow ourselves time for self reflection, time to ground ourselves, & time to isolate ourselves from the world. We need to stay grounded, or there WILL be a time that everything comes crashing down… Rock bottom is a really dark place.

I’m so lost within this industry, half the time I don’t know why I am still doing this. I base my entire career around Mental Health, yet I’ve set my own on the back burner, while prioritizing everybody else’s.. Initially it was a Give, Give, Give, & the receive was a positive boost once you successfully accomplished helping another person! There is NO greater feeling than changing someone’s life, & being the reason that they are okay.. However it came to a point where I was only doing things, purely for that rush of happiness that you get after helping someone. This is where things get dangerous, because it’s like gambling.. You invest all your time into content that is supposed to help people, then when it isn’t heavily responded to, and you don’t receive that rush of satisfaction, you’re pulled deeper into sadness & loneliness.

This is why I’ve decided to take a step back.. & reevaluate my life. I know this isn’t what I want to be doing. I’m not authentically creating content for the purpose of making people happy. I’ve noticed that I’m trying to use it to make myself happy. There is a very powerful distinction between the two. I suffer from the inability to turn my mind off. While having a work ethic that far surpasses the average mind, is a strength of its own, it can be very dangerous, when it’s managing a schedule that is improperly balanced.

Implementing balance into your life is important. Learning to step away from your work life, and allowing yourself to let loose, have fun, & live life to the fullest is so valuable. I never did this. When I tried, most of the time I’d end up on my phone checking emails, thinking about content ideas the whole time, etc.. My mind never shut off, & it’s such a poison to your happiness.

Chapter 3
Fear of Change..

You’ve spent your whole life working towards your dreams.. Thousands of hours invested to master your craft. Your future was painted on a golden canvas.. Now you’re faced with the reality, that you may have to throw it all away…

There’s nothing worse than the unknown. As emotionally intensifying as it may be to breathe in the thrill of the “Unknown” , there is also a great deal of fear that is attached to it. It influences us to work harder. It creates an uncomfortable foundation for us, so we don’t get too comfortable throughout the process leading up to the “Great Success”.. But sometimes it can misguide you. While having that underlying motivator can be extremely valuable, it can also push you in the wrong direction, causing more harm than good. A machine that has incredible horsepower, is useless if it doesn’t have the ability or an operator, to navigate its direction/purpose.

Sometimes misguidance can lead you to greater places. Looking fear in the eyes, & accepting a new path/challenge, can open so many incredible opportunities for you. The more I dig into myself, the more I realize that there are so many unexplored avenues in my life.. What if my whole life has been based around something that is subconsciously bringing me down?

Chapter 4
Greatness.. Heroic.. Remembered.

We strive to become something/someone that is remembered. An advocate of something great, that goes down in history.. But why? Why is there so much desire in being remembered after we’re..gone? The more that I ask myself these questions, the clearer my mind becomes. So far I’ve managed to discover: I’m chasing an unknown dream, for fictitious acceptance, in a falsely measured world.. Sounds great, doesn’t it…?

Imagine living a life, where you didn’t focus on being the primary character in your story’s plot? In movies we primarily focus on a visual representation, of what a heroic figure is defined as. We watch a love story, and immediately after we’re determined to become the greatest boyfriend any girl could ever imagine… or we watch a business movie, & we’re inspired to become the biggest CEO, and live this extraordinary life that we’re presented.. But we rarely ever focus on the characters like the mailman, or the step brother who is always happy in the movie, & living a well rounded life. Why is it that everyone is always drawn to what seems like the representation of greatness? I am guilty of it, & have lived my whole life chasing it.. However I’ve rarely stopped to ask myself why?

The idea of a basic life seemed haunting. Waking up daily, going to the same dead-end job. Same group of people, Same horizon, day & night.. What is the purpose of life, if you can predict the outcome of everyday, with very minor alterations/ indifferences? The more I veered away from that lifestyle, the more I’ve become accustomed to craving the stability that it offers. I fantasize about mastering the balance of both. I visualize the beauty, in both worlds colliding, & reaping in the benefits of both. But I am stuck & don’t know how to do it. It seems like one or the other, & I can’t come to terms with that.

Chapter 5
Growing Up

Growing up, I was a really troubled kid. I was raised in a rougher neighbourhood, with kids who equally enjoyed causing trouble… Most would say “I was destined to fail.” Or likely to end up in jail. There wasn’t a whole lot to do, and nobody in our neighbourhood came from money, so we’d just find ways to entertain ourselves and often that led to trouble. Reading statistics about kids like myself, it’s shocking that I came down the path I did.

Have you ever tried blaming your failures on your past? I often see people using their past as an excuse, to valid their inability to thrive in certain areas of their life. While there are certain situations that are scientifically supported, I feel like it’s a copout, used in conjunction of justification. e.g. “I came from a rough neighbourhood, so I was designed to fail.”

I believe life is an ever changing cycle, that heavily influences us to shift & glide through a variety of different paths, until we burnout, or land smoothly in a place where we’re mentally, emotionally, and spiritually aligned. Growing up I DREAMED of becoming a professional athlete. The thought of becoming a famous musician, didn’t even exist, nor was it even considered back then. My whole life was sports. I couldn’t see a future outside of it. That’s the interesting thing about life.. You never know what’s going to happen, or what may persuade you to challenge yourself in an unfamiliar area. This is what thoroughly excites me about this new adventure.. As strange as it is.. I look forward to a future that is based around something entirely different than what is consuming me right now. Sometimes there is peace within the realization, that impermanence is a real thing.

Chapter 6
Mental Health

There is a huge connection between Mental Health, & the music industry. You go to a concert, filled with thousands of people, all of which have their own troubles, struggles, and story. As creepy as this may sound, I remember times at concerts, where I would just stare at people and observe them. You can tell a lot about someone’s pain, by simply watching their reaction to the music that you’re hearing. You can visually feel, what they are feeling. This is what changed my entire purpose of being a musician.

When I became a musician, implementing mental health into my career was never the purpose. I started playing music, strictly to become one of the best guitar players around. There was a band in my high school, who had INCREDIBLY talented guitarists, and I knew right away that I wanted to become THAT. I don’t come from a musical background, and up until I was 14-15, I had no real interest in music at all.. I started playing because I idolized how cool it looked to play really complicated guitar solos.

After seeing how emotionally moving music can be, I became fixed on the idea of basing my entire career around it. Kind of like sports, I couldn’t see a future outside of that after I experienced its powerful ability.

I think the important lesson here is that no matter what we stumble upon, we get to experience emotions that we didn’t know we had. This is the power of L.I.F.E. Sometimes it can lead to our great destruction, but it will always open new doors to something greater, that we had to dig deep within to find. Isn’t that crazy to think about? Deep down you are absolutely in love with something, that you don’t even know exists yet? There is an emotional alignment that is in perfect harmony, to something we haven’t been introduced to… Now that’s something to keep me motivated.

It’s easy to fall into a negative cycle, & let the world get the best of you. I’m a mirrored reflection of that. Half the time life feels like shattered pieces of our clearly visualized future, falling with each side casting opposites. Constantly at battle with uncertainty, and the desire of reassurance. It’s okay to be lost, & it’s okay to be scared. Sometimes it’s the wake up call, that’s responsible for helping us recover from our derailing.

Over the past 4 years, I’ve had the pleasure of deeply learning about other peoples lives. I’ve been welcomed into very deep/personal levels of people, that are very rarely shown to the world. While this brings great weight to carry, it has helped me greatly when it comes to perspective. I feel like for most of my life prior, I was walking down a very narrow path, with limited perspective. This made it difficult to see the world from others eyes. How could you be empathetic towards things you’ve never experienced before? After losing a close relative to suicide in my high school years, I was introduced to a whole new level of sadness, that prevailed and conquered my every move. I built my career around it, hoping to help people better their lives, & realize this life is worth it.

Chapter 7
Facing Reality

Life is worthy of your constant efforts. The downtimes magnify the good, & it brings elegance to our happy moments. My reality now is that I feel like my life’s focus has been based around trauma that I experienced, and I’ve guided my career/life around it, rather than healing from it & pursuing something that I love for the sake of my own happiness.

Often our happiness is created by a mask that we’ve made for ourselves, to cover the underlying pain, that has been embedded in our inner roots. Our future is then carved by a tampered blade, corrupting the outcome of what we think our “dream” future really is. These ideologies & beliefs that we were meant to become the BEST version of ourselves, or that we’re here to achieve greatness, is such a daunting, heavy mindset to possess. This world is hard enough as it is, let alone trying to live up to these self-assigned, yet heavily influenced unrealistic expectations.

This will end in a challenge. I challenge you to live a life of freedom. A life that is based around happiness & love, not fame & fortune. While money may be correlated to happiness, I promise you it’s not the only contributing factor. We live in a competitive world, that is based around fiction. You are not defined by the amount of likes you receive, & I promise you that your beauty is so much more than instagram comments & facebook shares. Your soul is where your true beauty lies, and your happiness is a reflection of that. So join me on a new path, where your life isn’t judged or based around popularity, fiction, and unrealistic standards that none of us will ever meet. L.I.F.E.

Matt Coates – December 31st, 2018