We’re here again.. The same place we were just days before we met.. Strangers.. However, this time there’s a lingering pain.. This time our memories haunt each other. In life in love comes the heightened risk of being broken.. Likely further broken than most of us already were/are due to the disaster of a world we live in.. We all know it, we often avoid it — placing our blind faith that we’ve found our soulmate.. Our one and only — our forever… While simultaneously almost always avoiding all obvious indicators that this love too — more than likely has an expiration date.. Why does pain hurt more than joy feels good? Why does missing someone hurt more than it feels good to hold them? It’s baffling how danger, toxicity, pain, all the emotions we despise, are the ones that hit us the hardest.. It’s even darker how often it becomes the feelings that we crave.. I can’t have you, we know it will never work, but I crave you. The inner desire, regardless if it’s mentally destroying me, it made me feel again. In a world full of numbness, the pain broke a barrier that actually hit a nerve for once. Real emotional response in a very dull world, trapped in lostness.. Although over time that strange enjoyment/feeling fades.. That rush of dopamine; the toxic fix.. it becomes consuming.. Your health depreciates, your self-worth vanishes, your morals are compromised and you start to believe every little untruth that crosses your mind, until you’ve almost fully lost sight of who you really are… The time comes where you realize … I love you, but I can’t anymore
I see elderly people, pushing each other on a swing, and think to myself.. I need that. However I’m unsure if there ever will be enough self-love, trust, or overall emotional availability to be vulnerable enough to even come close to experiencing such a love. Forever & always… til death do us part… The permanence — the exclusion of being able to run away the second your mind is convinced you’re on the verge of being broken again.. Having to face reality and not continue sheltering yourself from feeling. Professionally speaking, or let’s say… paraphrasing due to the absence of a $70,000 piece of paper… Surely this will be attributed to fear of abandonment — early life traumas.. having a predisposition due to exposure to this type of behaviour, etc.. I do resonate a lot with it, surely it makes sense.. Yet I think this is far deeper than that. In my eyes this is based on a world heavily designed for failure.. A never-ending stream of options, temptation, availability of lust, a replacement “high” of things far less emotionally detrimental.. with minimal accountability / consequences.. The over misuses of our freedom.. A constant normalization of sexually monetizing yourself just to combat the unjust wages / disproportionate ratio in terms of what it costs just to exist as a human.. Consequentially destroying self-worth and their lives in the long run, when that mainstream fix/illusion fades & you realized you cashed your own self-worth in for a toxic agenda… These movements that convince people they are fucking superheroes.. when in actuality, they’re unaccomplished, often heavily mentally ill, and latching on to a preconceived notion that “they can do anything, they’re great, special, everyone’s #1” — yet it’s all just bullshit. It takes EXTREME work and immense discipline to master things; to become an elite and truly excel at something… yet participation trophies are prioritized more than actually encouraging people to develop a real work ethic. In turn, I feel it creates a cycle, one that eventually all of us get trapped in and involved in to some degree.. Whether it’s a conflicting participant actively fighting on the opposing wave, or the extremists who are so consumed by this digital world. It’s all just a vicious looping circle.. One that I don’t believe we will ever escape. Let alone trying to establish a real form of love, deep/intense dependable connection, when the world is subconsciously being manipulated into the ideology that disconnect and individuality trumps actually setting your own pride aside, & putting everything you have into something far bigger than just yourself. Surely I still haven’t mastered the art of inclusiveness — I can only hope that there’s a group of people out there that see through all of the madness & what evidently seems to be forced narratives. Really, it makes sense because what’s deeper than unbreakable true love? Absolutely nothing.. When that is achieved, nothing will or could come between it. To many that’s a big problem.. Surely a bit of a political turn, however it all ties together in my opinion..
Real love takes work nonetheless.. Two people setting aside their exclusive independence.. Putting their life in the hands of another, and trusting everything they say and do is in support of your best interests. It almost seems fairytale like because how fucked up some things are.. Just typing that makes me almost cringe due to the fact it feels so fake.. Yet it’s out there.. There is someone out there RIGHT NOW who is searching 100% for you.. The exact person that we refuse to believe exists.. They are there, likely also believing you’re not out there right now.. In reality these toxic movements are drastically small.. These videos that get millions of views are decimal points when in reality there are almost 8 billion people existing on this planet.. Not everyone is brainwashed or consumed by falsities.. There are a ton of fallacies in blanket statements, and preconceived notions… There’s no debating that.. But I refuse to believe everyone is brainwashed.
I know that somewhere true love exists.. I know it is out there. I am incapable of fully writing it off.. How foolish of us to murder a belief of such an intense feeling.. A feeling that is actually far more achievable in a world of consistency, than it would be to sustain the common-life in this world of chaos.. Which is just so fucking baffling to me.. How have we come to a point where a life of simplicity is harder to attain than global viral status? Things like this will continuously keep me up at night for the rest of my overactive mind’s existence. The problem is, while being incapable of burning the idea, I suffocate in disbelief.. I have never been 100% confident that both sides are the only reality.. It is just this endless mental war.. It’s almost like faith in humanity.. Although every single reason points in the direction to believe we’re fucking doomed.. Occasionally things arise where it’s like .. Hmmm, this is really fucking great, and surely this can create a ripple effect.. It’s almost like those brief moments of hope, somehow linger & create such a transparent reality that should be the default. Same as love.. Why is it that kinks, temptation, desire, false reality, fake image, and the demented illusions of how people should look completely destroy and consume people over real love? I mean surely it’s “easier” as said previously, it is easier to branch off avoiding serious attachment / vulnerability… But all that shit is fake.. I’ve had all of it, and nothing ever hits like real love. I promise you that to the fucking highest degree.. I don’t care what viral video is preaching otherwise, those people are fucking hurting, and will wake the fuck up in 20-30 years thinking what… the… fuck… did.. I .. do…? Hopefully using it as fuel to enjoy however long they have left and correct it, but surely letting it convince you that lifestyle is the gateway to happiness, is a flat out fucking lie. It will never fulfill that insatiable desire created within you.
Surely I wish there was some climax to all of this.. It’s likely just endless, mindless venting, few will read, fewer will comprehend, fewer will digest/agree with… Yet, that’s life.. Right? I suppose it is comes down to 2 choices.. Do you take the risk, or do you run from it?