Silent escape

I miss the feeling of true love.. The skin to skin touch; an unbreakable intimacy. Silence takes over the mind when you look the love of your life in the eyes.. it’s the only silent escape I’ve ever discovered. The problem is, my brain still views it as an escape.. as if there’s no repair from what has always consumed me. Why is it so complex to emotionally align with another? I pin it on the world normalizing everything that’s conflicting with love, merging the two in some fucking lust/fix morph. “My one & only” doesn’t seem to apply in a world where polyamory is the new preset. Apparently it’s a lot easier to not devote your life to a true/exclusive love; irresponsibly jumping from person to person, seeking comfort in the arms of anyone that’ll entertain it. Surely there’s credibility in that lifestyle for those who are content with it.. However I feel a vast majority of the world is brainwashed into believing that the new “normal” is a sexy twist on life; a fix; a rush; an immeasurable thrill that almost always will resort in people looking back at the irresponsibility of letting a trend dictate their moral standard. With years of personal experience, there have been a lot of lessons that I’ve learned about this. That rush is hard to deny, mostly in contrast to the pain from a heartbreak — It’s inexpressible.. It’s far easier to chase your next fuck than work through the difficulties that surface in a committed relationship. It’s ‘easier’ to embrace a never ending honeymoon phase with a plethora of different people than creating new/exciting experiences with the same person you’ve been with for a decade… But in reality, sleeping around fucking sucks. For awhile it seems great — the longer you feed into it, the busier your company schedule gets, the further distracted your mind becomes.. Yet in reality, it’s a drug. When the pace slows down & you’re sitting alone, you start to realize, that light is dimmer than it has ever been. What is evidently a sexual fix/thrill, is a mask for deep loneliness.. Those interchanging late night fucks are not reality, they are temporary outlets. Trust me, I know how fun it is.. The thrill in kinkiness, feeding off of the rush/connection for a weekend escape.. Whether it’s purely a sexual craving, or sketchier people that do it to get back at someone, whatever your narrative is.. It’s all stemming from a damaged part within us. 

How do you reroute though? Most of the world is operating out of sync.. Moral inconsistencies are at an all-time high.. We have a standard of putting on a front to portray the “best” version of ourselves; or at least a version people feel will be the easiest to like or find intriguing.. There’s very minimal transparency.. Why can’t people just open up from the beginning? I legit dream of a world where 100% honestly/transparency is the default norm.. Like hello, I am a fucking complete disaster, I have trust issues, I’m absurdly obsessed with consistency/control, but I will fucking dedicate my entire world to you if you give me nothing but truth/loyalty. That sure as fuck would be a lot easier to determine whether the relationship will workout or not, instead of edited selfies, fashionable clothing, & exaggerated stories of how awesome we once were & all the shit we once did 2 decades ago. As an extremely observant person, I’ve come to notice a lot of recurring patterns with people. It’s as if liars are being created in abundance, yet often these people don’t even realize it.. The world is so fucking twisted & shuffled, I truly believe people who don’t obtain structured minds, get caught in-between these mixed views, forgetting who they actually are as a whole. It’s as if these people are mirrors.. Their identity is created around whoever they are with, opposed to being a standalone person, existing among others. They are like chameleons, or shapeshifters.. How can you dedicate your life to another that has no core-structure? I understand love has extreme emotional depths, but there is a responsibility as a human to discipline yourself, come to terms with who you are, & really develop traits that provide a structural foundation.. Especially if you’re seeking a committed relationship. This is likely why multiple partners are so common, because it’s a lot easier than putting in the work to establish a real personality.

There’s intense anger within me regarding all of this. I’ve been the idiot who had true love & threw it away for garbage.. I fed into the bullshit facade that the thrill/rush of the unknown is far more powerful.. To realize that when your life crashes, you stare death in the face, you realize absolutely nothing matters more than real/deep love.. I would kill for that again. I’ve also been on the opposing side, where I loved someone that couldn’t commit to a life of her own.. A life where impulse & irresponsibility prevails, for her to eventually discover that trying to build a life around the approval of 400 people, will lead to the same dark hole I dug myself for years. Sometimes it takes losing the love of your life, & years of failure to realize what you once had. 

Depending on the person, it’s extremely important to observe how things impact your behaviour. This life isn’t 1 shoe fits all.. Observe how TV impacts your life/behaviour.. be mindful of the shit you are watching if you know you have a naive / fragile personality.. What type of music are you entertaining? Who do you surround yourself by? What are your friends like on the day to day? Family even..? Etc.. This has been mocked in terms of “parental strictness” but I promise you this matters more than most people give credit to. The difference is a lot of people forget that entertainment vs reality are extremely separate things.. Yet these days all of this scripted behaviour is being mirrored & become the role model of what standard morals are.. I surely hope in the future people wake up, because the concept of real love, healthy connections & loyalty are completely doomed otherwise. 

Ultimately we have to choose what path is best suited for us. If chasing a fix/high is the pinnacle of your life, if you’re content/happy with that lifestyle, so be it — As long as it’s not at the expense of other people. If real commitment/loyalty, a secluded relationship is what you crave/desire.. make damn sure you are committed to that lifestyle first, before welcoming someone who actually is into your life.. Because if not, in the end, you don’t deserve that person & you’re just going to screw them over by coasting down the wrong lane in life.